Prologue:In the place of darkness there was only silence. Silence, warmth and comfort. That was the best part, the comfort I mean. The misery that had been my constant companion for 14 hours was finally gone. The burning in my throat, the complete numbness of my left leg, the excruciating pain in my lower back and abdomen were gone in an instant. The pain was unable to cross the thresh hold of the darkness. And so in that darkness I found a friend. But they wouldn't let me stay. I heard my name being called from some place far away. My name pounded on the door of the darkness like an angry fist. I didn't want to answer. But they called over and over again. Pulling me back to the light, pulling me back to the pain.
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My Birth Story:They didn't believe me. This would be my fourth child and they weren't sure they believed that I was in labor. By now I am a pro. I know what labor feels like. For a week and a half I had gone to sleep timing my contractions. They would be close together, sometimes even three minutes a part but they would all inevitably stop after an hour. Just like clockwork. But Saturday, July 17Th was different.
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I had spent the morning swimming with my kids in our little pool. I had even done a little bit of water aerobics trying to get my blood circulating. After my swim I made some lunch and that is when the contractions started. I had had them so often that they didn't warrant any special attention. For a split second it did cross my mind to jump in the shower "just in case" but I quickly waved that thought away thinking that number one, I'd probably get back in the pool right after Malachi went down for a nap and number two, my legs were already shaved in the off chance these contractions were the real thing.
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Well, they were. 40 minutes later the pain in my back was way past the level of tolerable and it really wasn't letting up. It didn't come and go every three minutes but rather it settled right in to take up a permanent residence. Kai was laying down with Malachi when I told him it was time and we needed to go. To which he replied, "Go where?". My patience was evicted when the pain took up residence so it took a modicum of control to keep kindness in my voice. "To the hospital honey, right now."
*
Back labor was new to me. I have nothing kind to say about it.
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Once I was in the labor and delivery room I was hooked up to several monitors, a blood pressure machine and an IV drip. While my pain was very real, the machine that was supposed to read my contractions didn't think there was any justification for me to be in any discomfort at all.
As I mentioned earlier, the back pain was a constant companion, and every three minutes I would have a painful contraction but the machine would record it as minimal. Like an earthquake that felt like a 7 but registered at a 1.
*
The nurses thought they would hydrate me via IV and the contractions would stop. They didn't.
The nurses thought they would give me a Tylenol 3 and the pain would stop. It didn't.
Finally I told Kai that if they were not going to help me then we were leaving at 4PM. (we had arrived at 2PM and that is a long time to be in such pain.) We decided I could be much more comfortable in my own bed.
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Four o'clock came and I sent Kai out with our declaration. The nurse said that she didn't want to send me home if I was in pain. She said she would check my progress and then call the doctor. I was dilated to a three, but nothing more. She called the doctor and they decided that since I was not a complainer that this indeed must be real labor. However because I was only 37 weeks and three days they would not give me any pitocin to speed up the labor. They also would not break my water because even though the babies head was down, it could be pushed up easily. If the broke my water there was a chance that the cord could slip out before the head and that would necessitate an emergency. The only peace the could offer me was an epidural which I gladly accepted. It was about 5 o'clock when that happened.
*
Usually an epidural offers needed relief, and it did for the most part. But for some reason I was so uncomfortable. My throat burned with thirst. As if I had been walking all day in the desert. Even though fluids were constantly entering my body, I felt completely dehydrated. I wanted water and was given ice chips with a warning. Don't drink too much or you will vomit. Well, my throat was burning so I did and I did. Laboring women aren't renowned for clear thinking abilities.
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Sleep came. but not for long. I woke up at 4 AM freaking out because I couldn't feel my left leg. My right leg was perfect, numb but it was still under my control. Laboring women are also not renowned for being rational. I told Kai that he must find the nurse and tell her to turn the epidural down. She entered the room and heard my pathetic whimper and said "Honey, you have an epidural, that is why you can't feel your leg." I knew that. I had tried to tell my brain that several times "You're fine Amy, it is just the medicine- you are fine" But the rest of me just wasn't being a very good listener. She adjusted my position but not the strength of the epidural. I felt like if Kai could just point and flex my toe then I would be alright because my foot would be moving even if I couldn't move it. So bless Kai's heart, He flexed and pointed my toe for more that an hour and when I said I couldn't do it any more. That I was done and couldn't go on, he assured me that I could. He really was wonderful.
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I woke up at about 5:30, too uncomfortable to sleep any longer. I was going to throw up again. I reached for the bucket that had it purpose designated long ago. I brought it to my lap and as I did so I felt myself get very hot and the sides of my vision began to blur and fuzz until I could only see and feel black. enter my creative writing:
*
In the place of darkness there was only silence. Silence, warmth and comfort. That was the best part, the comfort I mean. The misery that had been my constant companion for 14 hours was finally gone. The burning in my throat, the complete numbness of my left leg, the excruciating pain in my lower back and abdomen were gone in an instant. The pain was unable to cross the thresh hold of the darkness. And so in that darkness I found a friend. But they wouldn't let me stay. I heard my name being called from some place far away. My name pounded on the door of the darkness like an angry fist. I didn't want to answer. But they called over and over again. Pulling me back to the light, pulling me back to the pain.
*
When I came back to the light I saw the callers of my name coming towards me. It was Kai and three other nurses. They were asking me questions like: "Can you hear me?" "Are you alright?" "What happened?" "How do you feel now?" But I couldn't answer. I didn't want to answer. I was confused and tired. When I finally did speak again these beautiful words slipped out: "I'm going to throw up." They held the bucket to my mouth. Not much came out and one nurse told me not to keep the vomit in. I thought to myself "I'm dry heaving because my stomach is empty! I'm not trying to hold back!"
*
I asked Kai what had happened when I went to the darkness. He said it looked like I had a seizure or a convulsion. When I pressed him further for details he said that if he had to describe it in his personal opinion, that it looked like I needed an exorcist. He said my back arched and my head looked at the ceiling, my eyes rolled back and my hands shot up while I shook. Weird.
The babies heart beat showed no signs of distress during the ordeal. I didn't remember any of that but the event sucked whatever strength I had left. I was left feeling extremely weak and very fragile. Tired. Weary. And in all fairness to Kai's assessment, I did have something inside of me that needed to come out:)
*
At 8 o'clock they decided they could give me pitocin. At 9:30Am they decided they could put in a slow leak to my water. At 10:00AM I knew it was time to push. I could feel the pressure on my left cheek though my left leg was still very numb. I called the nurse. She wanted me to do a trial push to see if it was really time. I did and she yelled at me to stop. She got the doctor and set up shop. In one push she was out. Born at 10:07 AM on July 18Th, 2010. Thank goodness I didn't have to push for hours because 20 hours of labor was enough for me.
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My recovery was hard. I was so tired. in fact that doesn't even begin to explain my level of exhaustion. Usually excitement overrides any fatigue, but this time my body was spent. Despite the difficulties of labor, my reward was wonderful. I had this new, beautiful, tiny, creature that belonged to me. It really is amazing how quickly one can fall in love. Raia was 6 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches of pure joy.
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A note about Kai:
He was so wonderful. With our three other children I was induced. I would sit in the hospital bed going through contractions and managing pain on my own while Kai would sit in the corner with our portable DVD player and watch a scary movie. When it was time to push, Kai would get involved, but I felt like I was on my own the rest of the time.
This birth was so different.
Kai was amazing. He was supportive and present. He encouraged me when I thought I couldn't go on, he flexed my foot for more than an hour . . . he was a true companion and coach and loving husband. I am so thankful to him. My labor was so hard and it would have been a nightmare without him. I asked him what the difference was this fourth time around and he said, "I've matured.":)
My only picture of Bubba in the hospital.
